keeping it real we break down what you will REALLY need to survive thanksgiving…
thanksgiving eve is a huge night for partying in your hometown. hopefully you will “bump” into your ex-bf from high school so you can show off how fab you look only to discover that you are still in love with him but he’s dating some pre-school teacher from long island who does zumba. soooooo…chances are you will get TOTALLY wasty pants and need a ginormous coffee in the am to combat your hangover and get your ass out of bed and into the shower.
because of the previously stated scenario you will probably be looking a little rough around the edges so you will need a great concealer to battle dark circles, bags and any signs of crying and/or eye redness that accompany a hangover. remember, you are going to be seeing family who in some cases you only see a couple times a year…you’ll need to look your best. quick tip: don’t forget to reapply this throughout the day because nothing says “look at me family! i’m so happy!” like well concealed eyes.
people use thanksgiving as a reason to gorge themselves but in reality it’s just another meal, and hopefully not your last. to prevent stuffing your face with carbs and dairy eat a full bar on the way to your thanksgiving day destination. quick tip: this thing acts like styrofoam so if you drink it with your morning coffee it will expand in your stomach and work a la the lap band.
make sure to brush up on your current events. bringing up the news is a great way to divert the conversation from talking about yourself. it’s a holiday for christ sake nobody wants to answer the question “how’s work going?” or “are you seeing anyone?” when you are trying not to focus on either of those topics and just enjoy this day of giving thanks for your blessings (neither of those things…work and relationships being one of them).
it’s xanax…do you really need an explanation why you should have this on your person today?
we truly believe in the power of aromatherapy and 21 drops makes an essential oil for all of your thanksgiving day emotions…calm (because that’s what you will need to remain when your mother starts getting into it with you about *insert topic of choice that makes you want to chain smoke and drink your tears*); de-stress (traveling, eating, seeing family…this can all be SO stressful); will-power (you don’t need a second helping of anything); hangover (thanksgiving eve is like mardi gras for the suburbs); strength (because it will take all of the strength in the world to get you thru this meal).
you don’t need to wear anything made with lycra as an excuse to overeat and then self-hate the next day. wear a sexy black dress to prevent this…choose something that will highlight your stomach area so even if you indulge in a stuffed mushroom (side note: chances are even that little mushroom will be masked with carbs and dairy so, stay away) it will show. also, you want to look good for your friends and/or family. even if you are going to aunt so-and-so’s house, dress up!…a pretty outside is a great mask for all the shit that’s probably really going on inside.
very important…don’t forget your cell phone. excusing yourself to use the powder room is a great chance to check your “happy thanksgiving” texts and to see who your real friends are. quick tip: DO NOT drunk text an ex-bf today. don’t use turkey day to justify this “just wanted to say happy thanksgiving. hope you are well *smiley face*”. no, no.
and lastly wine, because don’t you deserve a glass…or a bottle?